Confession - I've been depressed lately

There isn't really any specific reason why, but I have been pretty depressed lately. Not just feeling a little sad or whatever for a few days, but truly depressed and for several months. I'm not entirely sure why, although I'm not terribly surprised either as I have a tendency towards both depression and anxiety that has been there since early childhood.

This past week I've had such a difficult time sleeping - I always struggle with sleep, but it has been so much worse lately. Last night I didn't fall fully and deeply asleep until just before 5am, despite going to bed before midnight and being tired. I slept through my alarm and through a class that I had this morning. This class is so important to me and passing it is the key to my plans for the next few years and my career so missing it was a HUGE issue for me. I've been on the verge of tears all day as a result. I think I can still salvage the class, but missing today hurt on so many levels and made me really freak out!

That really was 3:14 AM.

I've been really struggling to exercise and eat right as well, despite making a pact with myself to workout at home Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday and at the gym on Fridays. I've also been struggling with eating well, but doing so much better than I usually do, thanks to a few tweaks.

I don't feel much better than I did this morning, or over the past several months, but realizing how much missing that class meant to me, and how much my sleep issues and depression have been impacting my every day life, I know I have to do something. I work on Monday so will call my primary care doctor on Tuesday to set up a complete physical and ask for a referral to a therapist and possibly antidepressants - I was on an antidepressant for two or three years a long time ago, and it might help get me over the hump. At this point, I am in this vicious cycle of not enough sleep and being depressed and they are feeding into each other and just getting worse. A thorough physical and blood work will at least rule out a lot of potential causes (or uncover them so I can work towards correcting them).

In the meantime, I work a half shift Saturday and full shifts on Sunday and Monday. I *LOVE* my job, so those will be great ways to keep occupied. I also plan to make a focused effort to take my dogs out for a long walk each evening, and will insist that my son comes with us. I plan to do yoga at home today, tomorrow, and Sunday as well.

Also, I have been working on eating at least two servings of fruit per day and a lot less soda. Today, I bought a bunch of frozen berries, bananas, and apples, as well as seltzer water. I have to tell you that I really didn't like seltzer water at first, but it is growing on me. I like the unflavored version from Trader Joe's the best and bought two 4-packs today. I will take fruit and seltzer to work with me tomorrow, Sunday, and Monday too.

I'm not worried right now about fitting into my jeans or looking a certain way. I just want to feel better mentally and emotionally.

I did manage to get to the gym last Friday, and I did a half mile on the treadmill and 2,000 meters on the rowing machine. The treadmill was so much harder than I expected! I've never struggled on a treadmill like that! The rowing machine was a lot better than I expected though! Not at all my best row, but better than anticipated!

Krav Maga trial class was AWESOME!

I posted a few days ago about being excited and nervous for my first ever Krav Maga class, and O...M...G! It was fan-freaking-tastic! Amazing! I loved it so much! The class was super intense and hard but fun and exciting with really supportive, helpful trainers. They offered great explanations for how to do each move, little tips for improving form, and also explained the physics of why the moves work so well. It was great! And, during the class I was paired with others who were smaller, the same size, and much bigger than me. One of the really exciting things was that even basic moves can work really well on someone much larger and much stronger. I can't wait to go back for another class!

Image source: HouseExercises.com

I am going on vacation soon though and my work schedule is bonkers so I won't be going back for about three weeks. However, this is the first time in a long time that I've felt motivated to exercise on my own between sessions. I'm sore from head to toe and in places I don't think I've ever been sore before but it feels GREAT!

Image source: Wall 2 Wall Martial Arts

If you haven't tried Krav Maga and are looking for a class that combines practical self-defense skills with extreme fitness, this might be just the thing for you!

Failed plans and then Krav Maga

I think we all start with the best of intentions, but many of us fail at our fitness and diet plans. We aren't as motivated as we thought. We don't have a support system. We have a goal but no actual plan. Or, our plan isn't specific enough....or it's too specific. Or, life just gets in the way.

I'll be honest, my plans were derailed out of a combination of laziness, lack of support, and not enough detail to my plan.

Although life gets in the way of many goals and plans really taking off, I have new motivation to get fit - motivation I'm not really going to get into detail about though - and tonight I am taking a first step. I'm going to a free trial class of Krav Maga!

Krav Maga is a type of hand-to-hand combat developed originally for the Israeli Defense Forces and makes use of the body's natural weight, center of gravity, and movement to provide defense against a threat. The school I will attend offers all kinds of related training and fitness development, and I'm so excited to try it out! Actually, I'm a good mix of super excited, really nervous, and a little bit terrified!

I weigh more than I've ever weighed in my life, and can't fit into ANY of my jeans no matter how hard I suck in my gut. (Original pictures HERE showing how poorly my clothes fit...so much worse now!)

I'm hoping that Krav Maga and the associated benefits and training offered by this school, including 90 day personalized goal setting and training programs, will help get me back in shape and teach me  how to efficiently defend myself against any threat. I'm so excited!!!

If you are not familiar with Krav Maga but have seen the television show "Alias" from 2001-2006, you have seen Krav Maga in action. Krav Maga is the fighting style used by the main character, Sydney Bristow (played by Jennifer Garner). Although I would love to be even a fraction as fit as she is (or was during the show), I'm mostly focused on the self-defense aspect and building up stamina as I get winded just going up a flight of stairs right now! Everything else - looking great and feeling great and being strong - are just fantastic side benefits.

"Alias" starring Jennifer Garner as Sydney Bristow

Hopefully the class will be great!

Jennifer Garner, super fit and strong

Jumping back on the fitness bandwagon

A lot has changed over the past few months, and unfortunately, I've gained a few pounds. I was already about 15 pounds over my ideal weight, but over the past few months, I've gained another 15 pounds. I'm 5' 8" tall and as of early January, weighed in at 175 pounds. That is my all time high. Even during pregnancy, 15 years ago, I didn't weigh that much.

Several years ago, I was running and exercising regularly. I had been training for a marathon when I injured my foot and had to stop running. For a while, I quit exercising at all, but during the recovery process I slowly began to get back to the gym and learned to alter my routine to accommodate my injury and recovery. It's now several years later and I've just been a bit overwhelmed so exercise and diet went to the wayside for a while.

I joined a gym this past fall, walked a 5k last spring with a friend, and intermittently ate better.

Healthy lunch example #1.

Healthy lunch and snacks example #2.

Then, I just stopped. I don't really know why.

Since the start of January, I've been eating a lot better and have lost a few pounds as a result, but I still don't feel well inside or out, and I don't look as well as I would like. My favorite clothes don't fit. My favorite sleeping position isn't comfortable right now. The seat belt in my car doesn't go across my body in a very comfortable position.

This week, I tried on some of my favorite clothes as well as a few things I wear regularly. I was brave and took a few photos as my "before" starting point. I know I'm not as overweight as a lot of people, but I am a lot heavier than I am comfortable with.

My favorite jeans. I haven't been able to wear them in about 8 months.

My everyday jeans. A bit tight.

The scrub pants I used to wear. Really tight.

The scrub pants I wear instead. Too big, but comfortable. The next size down was too small.

My plan is to drop a few pounds, be more comfortable in my clothes, have more energy, and to sleep better.