Confession - I've been depressed lately

There isn't really any specific reason why, but I have been pretty depressed lately. Not just feeling a little sad or whatever for a few days, but truly depressed and for several months. I'm not entirely sure why, although I'm not terribly surprised either as I have a tendency towards both depression and anxiety that has been there since early childhood.

This past week I've had such a difficult time sleeping - I always struggle with sleep, but it has been so much worse lately. Last night I didn't fall fully and deeply asleep until just before 5am, despite going to bed before midnight and being tired. I slept through my alarm and through a class that I had this morning. This class is so important to me and passing it is the key to my plans for the next few years and my career so missing it was a HUGE issue for me. I've been on the verge of tears all day as a result. I think I can still salvage the class, but missing today hurt on so many levels and made me really freak out!

That really was 3:14 AM.

I've been really struggling to exercise and eat right as well, despite making a pact with myself to workout at home Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday and at the gym on Fridays. I've also been struggling with eating well, but doing so much better than I usually do, thanks to a few tweaks.

I don't feel much better than I did this morning, or over the past several months, but realizing how much missing that class meant to me, and how much my sleep issues and depression have been impacting my every day life, I know I have to do something. I work on Monday so will call my primary care doctor on Tuesday to set up a complete physical and ask for a referral to a therapist and possibly antidepressants - I was on an antidepressant for two or three years a long time ago, and it might help get me over the hump. At this point, I am in this vicious cycle of not enough sleep and being depressed and they are feeding into each other and just getting worse. A thorough physical and blood work will at least rule out a lot of potential causes (or uncover them so I can work towards correcting them).

In the meantime, I work a half shift Saturday and full shifts on Sunday and Monday. I *LOVE* my job, so those will be great ways to keep occupied. I also plan to make a focused effort to take my dogs out for a long walk each evening, and will insist that my son comes with us. I plan to do yoga at home today, tomorrow, and Sunday as well.

Also, I have been working on eating at least two servings of fruit per day and a lot less soda. Today, I bought a bunch of frozen berries, bananas, and apples, as well as seltzer water. I have to tell you that I really didn't like seltzer water at first, but it is growing on me. I like the unflavored version from Trader Joe's the best and bought two 4-packs today. I will take fruit and seltzer to work with me tomorrow, Sunday, and Monday too.

I'm not worried right now about fitting into my jeans or looking a certain way. I just want to feel better mentally and emotionally.

I did manage to get to the gym last Friday, and I did a half mile on the treadmill and 2,000 meters on the rowing machine. The treadmill was so much harder than I expected! I've never struggled on a treadmill like that! The rowing machine was a lot better than I expected though! Not at all my best row, but better than anticipated!